Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Kick Starting Change... Facing insecurity...

For me change was all about getting out of my comfort zone... The best way I know to change is to change the outside... And the EASIEST thing to change is your hair... I have had my hair super long for about 5 years... I was ready to chop it off! So I did. And I love the cut!

What I wasn't ready for, was what I saw once the hair was gone... Me, and all the weight I've gained over the last five years. When I had long hair I felt like I could cover "me" up... I didn't notice how chubby my arms had gotten, my hair covered it... And WHEN did I get backfat?!

I'm down to only three pairs of pants (two being work pants) that actually fit (kind of). And well, not many shirts (you know, that baggy t-shirt that you used to wear to bed, that isn't quite baggy anymore. UGH)... I look at pictures from 4 years ago and I WAS NOT like this... What the hell happened?!

What I thought to be a little COSMETIC change has brought up all this anger and sadness(toward myself) and has left me wondering how long I was "unaware" of my physical state. How long have I been this out of hand?! Well now it's time to get serious! I CANNOT STAY LIKE THIS. Not only do I hate how I look (minus my fabulous hair), but I am not healthy! I have developed unhealthy habits... but why? Why am I eating more than I used to? Why do I drink more often than I used to? How the fuck did I get HERE?! How did it get this far?

It all starts today. I'm going to beat this. And I will never be this way again. This is one promise to myself I HAVE to keep.